An Open Letter To Shark Night 3-D

Dear Shark Night 3-D,

If you happen to suck I'll only blame myself for getting all worked up in advance over you. I mean, I'm old enough to know that setting one's expectations too high is a sure way to get smacked down. But really, how else was I supposed to react to a movie called Shark Night 3-D? Rationally? Please, it's just not in me to be aloof when I see those words together. Your working title of Untitled 3-D Shark Thriller was slightly less exciting but even if you stuck with that, I think I'd still be in the same boat that I am now.

Some would say that anyone really excited to see Shark Night 3-D probably has such a high, perhaps even all-compassing, threshold for garbage that their potential for experiencing disappointment is very low. Like, almost nonexistent. But I can testify that even the most willing and avid consumer of junk cinema can be let down - and more frequently than anyone might believe. But no matter how I feel when your end credits roll, Shark Night 3-D, I'm saying that I'll be responsible for my own reaction. Having said that, it would be so much easier for me to deal with my feelings if you didn't disappoint me.

I know it's too late to change anything about you now because you're, well, done and already in theaters across the country but let me just say it's my hope that you will jockey hard to be at least the third best shark-themed horror movie ever. We both know Jaws is safe. That's so forever in the #1 spot, you two might as well live on different planets but that's ok. If it makes you feel better, I already know you're going to smoke all the Jaws sequels, no question. That leaves Deep Blue Sea as your biggest competitor in the Shark Movie Hall of Fame (sorry, Monster Shark) and there's no shame in coming in behind that but let me tell you, that's not an unbeatable movie. It's no pushover but I'm smelling blood in the water, man - I think you can take it. Imagine being right behind Jaws? Well, not "right behind" - more like "from here to the moon behind" - but still #2. That could be you, my fine-finned friend. Think about that.

As for your PG-13 rating, you might think I'm sweating it like other people seem to be but I'm sanguine about it. I know that sharks are all about the biting and the tearing of limbs and all that stuff that R-ratings are about but I also know that most of my favorite Nature Attacks movies - from the classic (Jaws, duh) to the cheerfully cheesy (Grizzly, Anaconda) - are all either PG or PG-13 so I don't see that rating as being an obstacle to excellence. And, really, I think it would dickish for kids not to be able to see you on their own so I'm good with the rating - even if it means a little less torn flesh in the water and zero exposed breasts. I think even Joe Bob Briggs would be on my side in this.

Anyhow, no matter how things work out, I won't regret being so jazzed about seeing you. When it comes to being a fan, I still believe that it's best to jump in with both feet. Even when - make that especially when - sharks are involved.

The Final Destination

Whenever a new 3-D film is announced, I inevitably see comments online from fans griping about how 3-D is just a gimmick and a cheap fad. These complaints always strike me as hilarious - especially coming from horror fans. When people whose movie collections are likely home to a lot of straight-up garbage are so concerned about the sanctity of cinema, that's some funny shit! I mean, honestly, as a horror fan whose own movie collection is brimming with B-movie detritus, I feel like I should be the last person to bitch about how 3-D, of all things, is eroding the quality of modern movies.

But if you do have a stick up your ass about 3-D, The Final Destination will vindicate all your bitter complaints about the format. This is a film that has no reason to exist outside of exploiting the 3-D experience. Up until now, this year's My Bloody Valentine 3-D was the best modern 3-D horror film (not that it had much competition) but while MBV 3-D may remain the better film overall, The Final Destination is really the 3-D horror film I've always wanted to see.

When 3-D briefly came back in the early '80s, I was too young to see R-rated films but I knew that in Parasite ("the first futuristic monster movie in 3-D!" as the posters claimed) there was a scene where someone was impaled with a length of pipe and that blood dripped out of it over the audience (nice!). And I was told that in Friday the 13th Part 3, Jason squeezed someone's head so hard that one of their eyeballs popped out of their head and off of the screen (eeaugh!). As a thirteen-year-old in 1982, I couldn't believe how incredible these movies sounded! 3-D gore was where it was at! Sadly, though, it didn't take long for the 3-D craze to fade out. But as soon as I saw how much the technology had advanced with Beowulf (2007), I knew that 3-D would be coming back in a big way. And where there's 3-D, there's always 3-D horror films.

Some would say that The Final Destination lacks interesting characters, an involving storyline, or any imagination outside of its scenes of slaughter. And they'd be right. But then again, this is a movie where someone is slammed into a wire fence with such force that diamond-shaped chunks of their body are squeezed through it and these bloody chunks then come loose and fall into the audience. That's where this movie's priorities lie and if you don't recognize that, you need more than 3-D glasses to see. To the credit of director David R. Ellis (encoring from 2003's Final Destination 2) and screenwriter Eric Bress, though, The Final Destination is always smartly self-aware. Whatever faults you might cite about this movie will not be news to its makers. What Ellis and Bress do well here - outside of expertly exploiting the 3-D - is have fun playing up the ghoulishness of the series (the opening credits are brilliant, replaying in X-Ray vision several deaths from the previous FD installments) and gleefully prolonging the audience's expectations of when and how each character will meet their maker. This is an aspect of the series that I think has been its strong suit all along, the constant reminder that death is always around us, hiding in plain sight. No matter what harrowing death one might escape, another one is waiting in the wings.

While I liked My Bloody Valentine 3-D, I think the makers of MBV 3-D felt some reluctance at their film being tagged as a cheesy 3-D horror movie and so they kept the reminders that it was a 3-D film in check. MBV 3-D was still a lot of fun just the same but thankfully the makers of The Final Destination aren't as worried that you might think their movie is disposable junk. In fact, they make it impossible to see it any other way. In the course of its slim 82 minutes, The Final Destination is out to claim the 3-D horror crown and even though it pretty much earns that honor in the first ten minutes, director Ellis doesn't take his win for granted. Instead, he acts like he has competition on his ass right up until the end credits.

Notably, The Final Destination is the first FD movie to deliver a rousing climax. Even in Ellis' otherwise exciting FD2, the film disappointingly petered out before the end but in this fourth go-round, FD's producers have learned to save something good for last. Here, there's a climatic scene inside a mall that rivals the opening race track disaster. Perhaps realizing that this would be the last of the series, the producers wanted to ensure a spectacular farewell. But while some would say this 3-D blowout should mark the natural end of the series, I think there's one more date with death that still has to be met. Let me just put a bug in the ear of FD's producers now for Final Destination 2012: Death's Big Score. The series needs to leave us with one final lesson: if you're going to die, let it be epic.